Well that was not the twist I was expecting! But quite interesting! I love how Phi clearly holds a bit more of a grip over Gillian than Gillian would like. Small, likable, and perhaps a bit dangerousā¦
Feedback!
I would love to see Gillian observe Jack before he realizes she is there. Not for a long period, but just enough to analyze him and reveal to the reader a bit about who he is. Does he mutter to himself while he works or is he quiet? Does he get frustrated at his work? Does he reach for the tea she already took because he is so absorbed in his work that he forgets it is gone?
Other than that, I would only say that there were a few times you could have said āsheā rather than āGillianā (particularly in dialogue when you stated her name in the beginning of the paragraph), and I would love to see a bit of Phiās physical actions (is she stirring? Sitting there? Do her eyes follow Gillian, does she twitch when she is confused?) to get a better understanding of her feelings during the encounter.
I loved getting to know more about Gillian, and you did an amazing job with weaving her emotions and her body language into the pacing so smoothly. It felt so natural!
I absolutely enjoy how subtly you build the world around the characters but also make it feel so immersive, Phi was introduced so swiftly, I didnāt feel ātaken outā of the flow at all. And the way her sentence and a bit about her key stakes were introduced was just so engaging and catchy. Absolutely loved this!
Ahh I canāt believe I missed this comment! Thanks so much for reading and giving me your thoughts. I can take criticism too, if you have anything you want to point out!
No need to worry about it, and Iām absolutely sure you can take criticism but Iāve got nothing to criticise. I absolutely enjoyed every chapter so far
Beware, it's a bit sexy but in a hilariously old-world Victorian kind of way. (Also, you may or may not find spoilers for my novel in their song "Rusalka, Rusalka.")
Oh my lord, I nearly forgot about Phi but thereās something about them that I love. Really enjoy what Lady of the Lake was saying as well. I would love for Gillian to feel more mystifying.
Absolutely intrigued. You keep up the mystery and the worldbuilding at a great level. Iām glad to confirm what Gillian was. This was superb. Especially how you let us hang onto just enough.
"Not anymore..." (Screams silently because I am reading this at work)
I loved this chapter. You are absolutely killing it. I love how Gillian and her story is folded in (You FOLD the cheese David), instead of just info dumping. Every character so far is well written, and it is so easy to fall into the world you have built. Another banger!
(Sorry for the Schitts Creek reference, I couldn't help it)
Thank you so much for reading! Avoiding info dumping is so hard for me so thanks for saying that!
I saw your post come through but Iām also at work š š they want me to actually do stuff for some reason (I wonāt be doing any of that but thank you. So much.)
this somehow just keeps getting more and more interesting the more i read???!! i'm devouring chapters during study breaks and very much dreading running out of them š i'm also so excited for more of gillian's backstory because it's so interesting and completely shrouded in mystery!!!! also this line: "The way to a manās heart was through his stomach, right? Gillian had heard that somewhere, although it didnāt make much sense since the heart was easily accessible behind the rib cage." OMG i love gillian!!!!!
Iām here to become a better writer ā please give me any and all feedback you have on my story or writing. Thank you in advance! š
Well that was not the twist I was expecting! But quite interesting! I love how Phi clearly holds a bit more of a grip over Gillian than Gillian would like. Small, likable, and perhaps a bit dangerousā¦
Feedback!
I would love to see Gillian observe Jack before he realizes she is there. Not for a long period, but just enough to analyze him and reveal to the reader a bit about who he is. Does he mutter to himself while he works or is he quiet? Does he get frustrated at his work? Does he reach for the tea she already took because he is so absorbed in his work that he forgets it is gone?
Other than that, I would only say that there were a few times you could have said āsheā rather than āGillianā (particularly in dialogue when you stated her name in the beginning of the paragraph), and I would love to see a bit of Phiās physical actions (is she stirring? Sitting there? Do her eyes follow Gillian, does she twitch when she is confused?) to get a better understanding of her feelings during the encounter.
Wonderful chapter! On to #4!
Thanks!! This is so helpful! And now I have work to doā¦ :)
Loving this story as it unfolds, really good characterization. Iām hooked
Thank you!
I loved getting to know more about Gillian, and you did an amazing job with weaving her emotions and her body language into the pacing so smoothly. It felt so natural!
I absolutely enjoy how subtly you build the world around the characters but also make it feel so immersive, Phi was introduced so swiftly, I didnāt feel ātaken outā of the flow at all. And the way her sentence and a bit about her key stakes were introduced was just so engaging and catchy. Absolutely loved this!
Ahh I canāt believe I missed this comment! Thanks so much for reading and giving me your thoughts. I can take criticism too, if you have anything you want to point out!
No need to worry about it, and Iām absolutely sure you can take criticism but Iāve got nothing to criticise. I absolutely enjoyed every chapter so far
Question: are you a fan of The Decemberists?
I have never heard of them but I just looked them up and listened to a song and loved it! Is there a particular one I need to see??
Oh man, they are the best. Listen to every single one, but "Philomena" is the one I had in mind: https://open.spotify.com/track/4NEmU1XGE7yijD1jVecvxy?si=7f815ea525d04566
Beware, it's a bit sexy but in a hilariously old-world Victorian kind of way. (Also, you may or may not find spoilers for my novel in their song "Rusalka, Rusalka.")
Oh my lord, I nearly forgot about Phi but thereās something about them that I love. Really enjoy what Lady of the Lake was saying as well. I would love for Gillian to feel more mystifying.
Absolutely intrigued. You keep up the mystery and the worldbuilding at a great level. Iām glad to confirm what Gillian was. This was superb. Especially how you let us hang onto just enough.
Thanks for reading!! These comments mean a lot coming from you! š
"Not anymore..." (Screams silently because I am reading this at work)
I loved this chapter. You are absolutely killing it. I love how Gillian and her story is folded in (You FOLD the cheese David), instead of just info dumping. Every character so far is well written, and it is so easy to fall into the world you have built. Another banger!
(Sorry for the Schitts Creek reference, I couldn't help it)
Thank you so much for reading! Avoiding info dumping is so hard for me so thanks for saying that!
I saw your post come through but Iām also at work š š they want me to actually do stuff for some reason (I wonāt be doing any of that but thank you. So much.)
Oh, the end!! I love the cliffhanger ā¤ļø
This is fun! It feels lighthearted (in a good way), even though lives are potentially at stake ā¤ļø
Love the series and the way youāre building the world through the characters.
this somehow just keeps getting more and more interesting the more i read???!! i'm devouring chapters during study breaks and very much dreading running out of them š i'm also so excited for more of gillian's backstory because it's so interesting and completely shrouded in mystery!!!! also this line: "The way to a manās heart was through his stomach, right? Gillian had heard that somewhere, although it didnāt make much sense since the heart was easily accessible behind the rib cage." OMG i love gillian!!!!!
LOVE the background on Gillian we get here xx
It is hard! I struggle with it for sure.
I know right!? What the heck, who do they think they are?