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Happy Nielsen's avatar

I’m here to become a better writer — please give me any and all feedback you have on my story or writing. Thank you in advance! 💚

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Lady Of The Lake's avatar

Well that was not the twist I was expecting! But quite interesting! I love how Phi clearly holds a bit more of a grip over Gillian than Gillian would like. Small, likable, and perhaps a bit dangerous…

Feedback!

I would love to see Gillian observe Jack before he realizes she is there. Not for a long period, but just enough to analyze him and reveal to the reader a bit about who he is. Does he mutter to himself while he works or is he quiet? Does he get frustrated at his work? Does he reach for the tea she already took because he is so absorbed in his work that he forgets it is gone?

Other than that, I would only say that there were a few times you could have said “she” rather than “Gillian” (particularly in dialogue when you stated her name in the beginning of the paragraph), and I would love to see a bit of Phi’s physical actions (is she stirring? Sitting there? Do her eyes follow Gillian, does she twitch when she is confused?) to get a better understanding of her feelings during the encounter.

Wonderful chapter! On to #4!

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