WHAT THE HELL NO NOT NOW, HAPPY?! I'm screaming! That's the meanest cliffhanger I have come by in- I don't know! So long!
We talked about you wanting more spice but we haven't talked where you want the spice: in your comments or in the chat? Let me know.
For the rest, just a few thoughts (but know that I am bouncing, clasping my fingers, I jumped up from my chair and walked around the table TWICE because I was so taken aback by the cliffhanger)
- Gillian's feel for time threw me off a little because if she knows when the train is leaving, she probably also knows how much time they might have to do shopping
- emotional depth; once you get to edit things, make sure that tough moments appear tough. When he talked about the cruelty of the kids, you had a huge field of emotional levers to pull and switch, whirling the reader up a little. Such things bond the reader closer to the character, but honestly, that's something very well for a second draft and not necessary for a first draft. Just a thought
- I got a little confused if Al went with them. Like, he was there at the chapter, but I assumed he's also there on the train until I realized that he isn't in the cab with them. I'm not sure I overread his goodbye but it's obviously a possibility this is on me, haha
This chapter, as all the others, were an absolute fun read, just to make this crystal clear again. I enjoy this so much, I get the giggles when I get the notification that you posted another piece. I'm looking forward to more moments between them now which reminds me: I LOVED how you did them touching on the train and what happened when they did and how Jack reacted when she took her hand away.
Obviously! You’ve read it a hundred times before posting it and you also know where you want to go 😉 that’s totally normal. There’s issues with QLJ first draft as well, that’s just how first drafts are, so nothing you need to worry about 💛
I love the chapter title, so that's a great start. But sadly you didn't ask for praise. Here are some thoughts, but *only* because you asked.
Time - Gillian knows exactly when the train leaves, has a plan for when they get to the castle, knows how long it is to sunrise... but doesn't know if they have time to go to the shops.
Gill vs Gillian - It was good to see this go somewhere in this chapter, but the lead up to it feels inconsistent. Jack never seems to acknowledge that he has been corrected when it happens. He did it again mere moments after being corrected and there was no reaction at all from Gill (er, I mean Gillian). Honestly, I'd love to see her properly blow up at him over it before the 'it's ok for you/so why not me scene'.
Contrast - I adore the cozy vibes, but I think there is some room to move either side of that with a bit more light and dark. Jack talking about his parents neither came across as deeply emotional, or darkly funny - but it could have been both with pretty small adjustments.
The Jack distraction - we know that the intrusive thoughts are happening for Gillian, but I think there's an opportunity to build progression of that with some extra details. Maybe, for example, a long, hot train journey could be the perfect time to start obsessing over a bead of sweat trickling down his neck...
Overall (and this is something I personally struggle with) it felt like you had some key, important things to get to in this chapter, but had to get past the 'filler' to write it. I think that's pretty normal. Just come back to it when you're ready and think what tones you can drop in that will resonate with key moments later on.
And all these are minor!! I'm reading it because I'm enjoying it, not to pick holes.
You are more than welcome, as it's a pleasure to be involved in this beautiful little project in any small way. Although, I must get back to writing my own!
Thoughts as I go, because I had to, and this chapter is THAT good.
1. Gill freaking out about not knowing that is normal and human is hilarious to me and you do it effortlessly. It is hard to write a being that has lived so long and make it believable, and I do think you have done a marvelous job.
2. (When I got to the scene where their hands touched) Jack is definitely hiding something.
3. The vegetable and dungeons made me laugh out loud. My coworkers must think I am crazy.
4. GOOD GIRL. WHAT. No you did not. But also, do it again.
5. The counting as they are getting closer was great. It really grounded the reader as the action was happening.
6. Great cliffhanger!!
Afterthoughts:
I felt like this was a really fun chapter, and I am wondering if there is a reason behind Jack not giving Gill a lot of fight. He has seemed to go with everything. It kind of ties into my thoughts about him hiding something.
Come on! Seriously???? That next chapter better be dropping SOON (yes I know you said you haven’t started it so GET CRACKING)!
I loved the progression in this chapter. Their characters felt more authentic and the dynamic made me grin. I am so curious what Al and Jack are up to. And Jack has suddenly gotten a lotttt braver. I love how he finally acknowledged the weird spark when they touched and how Gillian responded.
I agree with everything everyone else said about the time and Gill paying attention to small things on the train ride. I would also love some internal conflict from Gillian when Jack gets so close. That has to make her panic, right? And when it comes to the memories Jack shared, I would like to see that embellished a bit. Really seize the moment to show the reader something about him. Also like everyone said, I want a bit more tension leading up to the bit about the nicknames.
Overall though this was such a fun read and I need more ASAP.
Thank you!! Jack is starting to be his own person for sure lol. I’ll need to go back to my last chapters and infuse some personality into him 😅 thanks for your comments 💚💚
OH MY GOSH THAT IS SUCH A MEAN CLIFFHANGER!!!!! I NEED THE NEXT CHAPTER RIGHT NOW (i can't believe that after so many days of playing catch up, i end up on the chapter with the biggest ever cliffhanger and THAT'S where you decide there aren't going to be any more chapters for me to catch up on. SUCH A MEANIE) but i also love this!!! and will be haunting my inbox until i get an email for the next chapter I'M SO DESPERATE
How dare you? How dare you, actually? I’m grinning, kicking my feet, CLAMPING my hands over my mouth and taking several moments to breathe when “good girl,” came out in a WHISPER. OOOH so good.
WHAT THE HELL NO NOT NOW, HAPPY?! I'm screaming! That's the meanest cliffhanger I have come by in- I don't know! So long!
We talked about you wanting more spice but we haven't talked where you want the spice: in your comments or in the chat? Let me know.
For the rest, just a few thoughts (but know that I am bouncing, clasping my fingers, I jumped up from my chair and walked around the table TWICE because I was so taken aback by the cliffhanger)
- Gillian's feel for time threw me off a little because if she knows when the train is leaving, she probably also knows how much time they might have to do shopping
- emotional depth; once you get to edit things, make sure that tough moments appear tough. When he talked about the cruelty of the kids, you had a huge field of emotional levers to pull and switch, whirling the reader up a little. Such things bond the reader closer to the character, but honestly, that's something very well for a second draft and not necessary for a first draft. Just a thought
- I got a little confused if Al went with them. Like, he was there at the chapter, but I assumed he's also there on the train until I realized that he isn't in the cab with them. I'm not sure I overread his goodbye but it's obviously a possibility this is on me, haha
This chapter, as all the others, were an absolute fun read, just to make this crystal clear again. I enjoy this so much, I get the giggles when I get the notification that you posted another piece. I'm looking forward to more moments between them now which reminds me: I LOVED how you did them touching on the train and what happened when they did and how Jack reacted when she took her hand away.
Thank you so much for the feedback! I knew this chapter had issues but I have such a hard time identifying things myself 🫠
Obviously! You’ve read it a hundred times before posting it and you also know where you want to go 😉 that’s totally normal. There’s issues with QLJ first draft as well, that’s just how first drafts are, so nothing you need to worry about 💛
WAIT BUT WHO SAID THAT NO FAIR
really enjoying this, it just keeps getting better!
The next chapter isn’t written yet so neither of us may find out 😅
i quit substack where is the joy in life
GODSDAMMIT HAPPY!!!!!! LOL
The tension here was *chefs kiss*
Thank you so much!! Sorry for the ridiculous delay in replying lol. Stupid substack notifications 😠
I love the chapter title, so that's a great start. But sadly you didn't ask for praise. Here are some thoughts, but *only* because you asked.
Time - Gillian knows exactly when the train leaves, has a plan for when they get to the castle, knows how long it is to sunrise... but doesn't know if they have time to go to the shops.
Gill vs Gillian - It was good to see this go somewhere in this chapter, but the lead up to it feels inconsistent. Jack never seems to acknowledge that he has been corrected when it happens. He did it again mere moments after being corrected and there was no reaction at all from Gill (er, I mean Gillian). Honestly, I'd love to see her properly blow up at him over it before the 'it's ok for you/so why not me scene'.
Contrast - I adore the cozy vibes, but I think there is some room to move either side of that with a bit more light and dark. Jack talking about his parents neither came across as deeply emotional, or darkly funny - but it could have been both with pretty small adjustments.
The Jack distraction - we know that the intrusive thoughts are happening for Gillian, but I think there's an opportunity to build progression of that with some extra details. Maybe, for example, a long, hot train journey could be the perfect time to start obsessing over a bead of sweat trickling down his neck...
Overall (and this is something I personally struggle with) it felt like you had some key, important things to get to in this chapter, but had to get past the 'filler' to write it. I think that's pretty normal. Just come back to it when you're ready and think what tones you can drop in that will resonate with key moments later on.
And all these are minor!! I'm reading it because I'm enjoying it, not to pick holes.
Thank you!!! This is exactly what I needed. And yeah, you’re definitely right about my throwing some some moments in just to get them in there lol
Really really appreciate you taking the time for this.
You are more than welcome, as it's a pleasure to be involved in this beautiful little project in any small way. Although, I must get back to writing my own!
Thoughts as I go, because I had to, and this chapter is THAT good.
1. Gill freaking out about not knowing that is normal and human is hilarious to me and you do it effortlessly. It is hard to write a being that has lived so long and make it believable, and I do think you have done a marvelous job.
2. (When I got to the scene where their hands touched) Jack is definitely hiding something.
3. The vegetable and dungeons made me laugh out loud. My coworkers must think I am crazy.
4. GOOD GIRL. WHAT. No you did not. But also, do it again.
5. The counting as they are getting closer was great. It really grounded the reader as the action was happening.
6. Great cliffhanger!!
Afterthoughts:
I felt like this was a really fun chapter, and I am wondering if there is a reason behind Jack not giving Gill a lot of fight. He has seemed to go with everything. It kind of ties into my thoughts about him hiding something.
Thanks for writing it, now GO WRITE THE NEXT one.
Thank you!! I think yall are giving me too much credit on my writing abilities to put all these hidden meanings everywhere tbh 😅
GIRL NO FAIR
Come on! Seriously???? That next chapter better be dropping SOON (yes I know you said you haven’t started it so GET CRACKING)!
I loved the progression in this chapter. Their characters felt more authentic and the dynamic made me grin. I am so curious what Al and Jack are up to. And Jack has suddenly gotten a lotttt braver. I love how he finally acknowledged the weird spark when they touched and how Gillian responded.
I agree with everything everyone else said about the time and Gill paying attention to small things on the train ride. I would also love some internal conflict from Gillian when Jack gets so close. That has to make her panic, right? And when it comes to the memories Jack shared, I would like to see that embellished a bit. Really seize the moment to show the reader something about him. Also like everyone said, I want a bit more tension leading up to the bit about the nicknames.
Overall though this was such a fun read and I need more ASAP.
Thank you!! Jack is starting to be his own person for sure lol. I’ll need to go back to my last chapters and infuse some personality into him 😅 thanks for your comments 💚💚
“Now there’s an eye opener and no mistake.” - Sam Gamgee - Michael Scott - Andrew Thomas 😳
😂😂
Oh shit, the tension was THROUGH THE ROOF. AL OF IT. One of my favorites so far
My theories are theorying
Oh my gosh, did your theories end up being right?? I’m dying to know what you were thinking
Hmmm I think one did, but the Gillian reveal was out of left field 🕳️🕳️🕳️🕳️
Hehehe 😈
GRAMPAW!!! That's a twist!
🤭🤭🤭
Ahh!! Mystery, cozy romance, and then a cliffhanger!?!?
I’m so mad at Substack now that I’m not seeing these until 2 months later! Thank you!
I’m not sure how I feel about SubStack categorizing my comment as “low quality”.
Hahahahaa right??? I dunno, we’ll see if changing that setting even helps 🤷♀️
OH MY GOSH THAT IS SUCH A MEAN CLIFFHANGER!!!!! I NEED THE NEXT CHAPTER RIGHT NOW (i can't believe that after so many days of playing catch up, i end up on the chapter with the biggest ever cliffhanger and THAT'S where you decide there aren't going to be any more chapters for me to catch up on. SUCH A MEANIE) but i also love this!!! and will be haunting my inbox until i get an email for the next chapter I'M SO DESPERATE
Hahaha sorry for replying 2 months later 🙄 but hehehe thank you for all your comments and I’m “sorry” for the cliffhanger 😈😈
YESSSSSS but also NOOOOO!!!
How dare you? How dare you, actually? I’m grinning, kicking my feet, CLAMPING my hands over my mouth and taking several moments to breathe when “good girl,” came out in a WHISPER. OOOH so good.
I can’t wait for the next chapter😭
Hehehhehe glad you liked it! I’m like 1/2 done with the next chapter so hopefully I get to finish it soon! Thanks for reading 💚💚