Welllllll that was a roller coaster. Gillian, poor thing, is so bad at interacting with Jack. Phiās idea is smart, thoughā¦
Feedback! The interactions between Gillian and Jack are definitely cute, but it would help to have a bit more tension. Emotions are rarely clear, and while Jack certainly doesnāt need to know what she is up to, I think he would be a bit more concerned at her sudden character change. So I would say just incorporating a few more insights into how he perceives her as well as body language would be helpful.
I havenāt had feedback before but one minor idea would be to condense the āmissing the trainā section a bit. If she can accidentally make humans do what she wants (which happens right after he misses it) maybe that happens earlier and thatās WHY he misses his train? That might add some tension and feel smoother? Maybe he ends up confused why he missed it because of that? Just a thought! Iām liking the main gist of things!
Ooh thatās great feedback! I will need to think about how to make this clear in my revisions.
The reason is partly because heās human and sheās an idiot for bringing him back to the place with all the magical creatures, but mostly sheās feeling vulnerable because she doesnāt really have any friends and has never had someone see her sanctuary š„ŗ
My brain was thinking typical human stuff, like maybe she worried that he's actually weird and tries something. But then I thought, she's a vampire with magic, what is she afraid of? š
Haha yeah I just reread it and I can totally see that. If I were her Iād be thinking completely different thoughts about letting a weirdo into my apartment haha! š
I started with this chapter and damnit and now I have to go back because this little steamy bed and breakfast au supernatural has me all titillated. Happy is a fun fun writer. Damn. I need a cold shower and maybe a pastry, no towel says this erotic writer.
oop the way they constantly keep misunderstanding each other! it makes so much sense though and i love them! also still can't stop smiling about this: "You called me Gill. But itās Gillian. Just so you know."
i love how naturally you weave in the "saving the world from potential destruction" and "feeding the good ole customers" narratives together! it keeps the story from getting too serious while also making sure it isn't only cozy! (i love the additional mystery aspect is what i'm saying, basically!) can't wait to know more about these two!!!
The main thing I've learned from reading this is that it's really hard to be critical about cozy - everything just seems to fit so smoothly. In fact, the only time I struggled with the suspension of disbelief was two sugars in a cup of tea. Eww, never!
But slightly more seriously, if there was anything I could ask for it's to get a little more depth of character from Jack. With the PoV coming from Gillian's perspective she is so rich and three dimensional. If you can find some clever ways to bring Jack to a similar level, that would be pure gold.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I definitely struggle with giving my male characters better personalities š I laughed out loud at your sugar comment š thanks again!
Ohhh Man I love this chapter... the feelings are just simmering.. they don't know it yet. Ugh! Can't wait for the next chapter. š«¶š«¶š«¶š«¶ Also, Iām so intrigued by Jack. What makes him special enough to break through Philās layered protection spell? Thatās no small thing. They might not be star-crossed exactly... but thereās something there. And wherever you take this, Iām all in. Your storytelling is magic.
I loved this! Especially how clumsy Gill is when it comes to interacting with Jack. The anxiety-induced embarrassment I got when she said āspent the night with meā is surreal but it gave me the best kind of morning laugh.
For feedback, well Iām better at doing that for an entire finished thing but you could add some more body language to the dialogue. Sweaty hands, heart pounding up her throat, that small hitch the breathing does when youāre too nervous to speak but also have to speak, the way your feet tingle when you run to a destination really hard, the feeling of changed texture underneath when you go from asphalt or cobblestone to building floor. The smell in a train station (food courts, gasoline, steam), the noises of announcements and people talking, etc
Usually, if it feels like something is missing I go and flesh out the senses of the area and the characters. But I loved this chapter either way and since itās a draft and everything can change when you go back to rework it during the second draft, itās simply fine to just enjoy the writing process as it is.
Jack accepts Gillianās help pretty quickly. There might be some vampire persuasion going on there, but I donāt think thatās her intention.
In the next chapter, Jack realizes Gillian is good at Latin. Maybe a slight rearrangement could be more convincing. If she led with āI know Latinā with an example, it would be easier to understand why someone whoās mistrustful of being shunned again would accept help from a stranger do readily.
Audio note: Gillian pronounces āredā a few times for āreadā when I think āreedā is the intention. Unless I misunderstand how Brits pronounce āreadā in different contexts. I had issues getting 11 to pronounce āleadā as āleedā. Basically had to smash regenerate until it came out right.
Iām here to become a better writer ā please give me any and all feedback you have on my story or writing. Thank you in advance! š
Welllllll that was a roller coaster. Gillian, poor thing, is so bad at interacting with Jack. Phiās idea is smart, thoughā¦
Feedback! The interactions between Gillian and Jack are definitely cute, but it would help to have a bit more tension. Emotions are rarely clear, and while Jack certainly doesnāt need to know what she is up to, I think he would be a bit more concerned at her sudden character change. So I would say just incorporating a few more insights into how he perceives her as well as body language would be helpful.
Love this story so far!
Thanks so much for taking the time to give feedback! I need to work on that?
And yes, Gillian is embarrassing herself and me by association hahaha
Oops that wasnāt supposed to be a question mark. I DO need to work on their interactions and emotions. Thanks!
Of course!
I havenāt had feedback before but one minor idea would be to condense the āmissing the trainā section a bit. If she can accidentally make humans do what she wants (which happens right after he misses it) maybe that happens earlier and thatās WHY he misses his train? That might add some tension and feel smoother? Maybe he ends up confused why he missed it because of that? Just a thought! Iām liking the main gist of things!
Oooh thatās a good idea!
Love this so much! I just love this story of yours!
My one question here is why was she so hesitant of him staying at her place?
Ooh thatās great feedback! I will need to think about how to make this clear in my revisions.
The reason is partly because heās human and sheās an idiot for bringing him back to the place with all the magical creatures, but mostly sheās feeling vulnerable because she doesnāt really have any friends and has never had someone see her sanctuary š„ŗ
Oh yes I can see that now!
My brain was thinking typical human stuff, like maybe she worried that he's actually weird and tries something. But then I thought, she's a vampire with magic, what is she afraid of? š
Haha yeah I just reread it and I can totally see that. If I were her Iād be thinking completely different thoughts about letting a weirdo into my apartment haha! š
š Maybe just a clarifying sentence like,
She didn't fear him making a pass, she had that covered. She feared inviting him into her life, her sanctuary. Having him in her world in the cafĆ© was one thing (which was still kind of stupid), but welcoming him into her personal haven meant a level of intimacy she wasnāt yet ready to embrace, but she had no other choice.
š¤·š¼āāļø
Oooh that is good! Taking notes āļøāļø
Thank you!!
Of course!! I love being helpful. šš
I started with this chapter and damnit and now I have to go back because this little steamy bed and breakfast au supernatural has me all titillated. Happy is a fun fun writer. Damn. I need a cold shower and maybe a pastry, no towel says this erotic writer.
Hahhaha unfortunately this is about as steamy as it gets š š„
oop the way they constantly keep misunderstanding each other! it makes so much sense though and i love them! also still can't stop smiling about this: "You called me Gill. But itās Gillian. Just so you know."
i love how naturally you weave in the "saving the world from potential destruction" and "feeding the good ole customers" narratives together! it keeps the story from getting too serious while also making sure it isn't only cozy! (i love the additional mystery aspect is what i'm saying, basically!) can't wait to know more about these two!!!
thank you so much! the Gill/Gillian thing cracks me up personally lol thanks for the feedback! <3
The main thing I've learned from reading this is that it's really hard to be critical about cozy - everything just seems to fit so smoothly. In fact, the only time I struggled with the suspension of disbelief was two sugars in a cup of tea. Eww, never!
But slightly more seriously, if there was anything I could ask for it's to get a little more depth of character from Jack. With the PoV coming from Gillian's perspective she is so rich and three dimensional. If you can find some clever ways to bring Jack to a similar level, that would be pure gold.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I definitely struggle with giving my male characters better personalities š I laughed out loud at your sugar comment š thanks again!
I think many people struggle with giving their males better personalitiesā¦ including writers.
Ohhh Man I love this chapter... the feelings are just simmering.. they don't know it yet. Ugh! Can't wait for the next chapter. š«¶š«¶š«¶š«¶ Also, Iām so intrigued by Jack. What makes him special enough to break through Philās layered protection spell? Thatās no small thing. They might not be star-crossed exactly... but thereās something there. And wherever you take this, Iām all in. Your storytelling is magic.
Thank you so much!! This is the nicest thing ever! Thanks for following along! <3
No problem, I should be thanking you for this story!!! Absolutely loved it!
I should have started at Chapter 1. š But....this was good nonetheless. Great interpersonal relationships, writing etc š
Thank you so much for reading! š definitely would have made more sense from reading chapter 1 lol
Liked it. Maybe pick up the pace a bit.
Thanks Janet!
I loved this! Especially how clumsy Gill is when it comes to interacting with Jack. The anxiety-induced embarrassment I got when she said āspent the night with meā is surreal but it gave me the best kind of morning laugh.
For feedback, well Iām better at doing that for an entire finished thing but you could add some more body language to the dialogue. Sweaty hands, heart pounding up her throat, that small hitch the breathing does when youāre too nervous to speak but also have to speak, the way your feet tingle when you run to a destination really hard, the feeling of changed texture underneath when you go from asphalt or cobblestone to building floor. The smell in a train station (food courts, gasoline, steam), the noises of announcements and people talking, etc
Usually, if it feels like something is missing I go and flesh out the senses of the area and the characters. But I loved this chapter either way and since itās a draft and everything can change when you go back to rework it during the second draft, itās simply fine to just enjoy the writing process as it is.
And with that said, I enjoyed it greatly š„¹š
Thank you!! This was incredibly helpful, I am taking notes!
"Spend the night with me,ā MA'AM, if I was drinking tea, I would have spit it out.
This is just so adorable, I love every moment.
š thank you!
Jack accepts Gillianās help pretty quickly. There might be some vampire persuasion going on there, but I donāt think thatās her intention.
In the next chapter, Jack realizes Gillian is good at Latin. Maybe a slight rearrangement could be more convincing. If she led with āI know Latinā with an example, it would be easier to understand why someone whoās mistrustful of being shunned again would accept help from a stranger do readily.
Audio note: Gillian pronounces āredā a few times for āreadā when I think āreedā is the intention. Unless I misunderstand how Brits pronounce āreadā in different contexts. I had issues getting 11 to pronounce āleadā as āleedā. Basically had to smash regenerate until it came out right.
Them talking at the same time was so perfect, Iām obsessedš
I managed to read a little, but I liked what I read.
I keep seeing you in my notes and a lot of my fellow adventurers are subbed to you, so I have subbed as well ā¤ļø