24 Comments
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Happy Nielsen's avatar

I’m here to become a better writer — please give me any and all feedback you have on my story or writing. Thank you in advance! 💚

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Andrew Taylor's avatar

Your writing makes me wish this was already a book and I could sit down and read it. love this

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Happy Nielsen's avatar

Thank you so much, that’s the nicest compliment I’ve ever received

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Devyn T Moore's avatar

Right? I want to just read it all.

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Ed the Editor's avatar

I’m being drawn deeper into the story.

I’m listening rather than reading. I’m used to listening to third person POV with a single performer. Here, I enjoy the different third person POVs with different narrators.

I love the variation in voices. I’m not sure where Philomena’s accent comes from. The story does say it’s indeterminate. It has some interesting inflections and intonations.

I wish Substack’s automatic “play next” would play the next chapter instead of some other random article from a different newsletter.

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Happy Nielsen's avatar

I really appreciate you reading! I also use eleven labs and it was so hard to find something that sounded right for Philomena. This isn’t a spoiler because it’s never mentioned in this book, but her background lore is that she grew up in Ancient Greece so her accent is that combined with thousands of years of living in the world around other cultures.

And yes! Yet again the substack interface disappoints 🙃

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Ed the Editor's avatar

Nice! There’s always backstory like that that’s hard to reveal without it being out of place. Sometimes it’s never revealed to the audience.

In TSA, it’s not mentioned until chapter 5 that the MC came to the US from Russia as child. So for 4 chapters people are wondering what’s up with the accent.

It would be weird to start the story with “Hello. I have a slight Russian accent because I was born there.”

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E. J. Ritter's avatar

I am still just loving this. I'm excited to keep reading and see where this goes... the Vampire king? Mmmmmmm

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Happy Nielsen's avatar

Thank you! 💚

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Tamsin Gordon's avatar

This is engaging! Truly! I love that you've changed perspectives in this chapter.

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Happy Nielsen's avatar

Thank you! 💚

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Dallas Heyden's avatar

Making my way through slowly. Not because I’m uninterested, but because this is the best thing I’ve read in a while. It has fantastical elements we grew up with that trigger nostalgia, but has a sarcastic and relatable bite for the 20/30 somethings with some life experience. I’m just having so much fun!

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Happy Nielsen's avatar

This is quite possibly the nicest feedback I’ve ever received. Thank you so much for reading and commenting 😭 going to spend the rest of the day sobbing

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Anoushka's avatar

**gasps** we get a philomena pov?! i keep thinking i've read the best chapter in existence but the next chapter somehow ends up being EVEN better.

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Happy Nielsen's avatar

🫶🫶🫶

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Rose Rodriguez's avatar

LOVED to see the Philomena POV🙌

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Happy Nielsen's avatar

Yay! Thanks for taking the time to read!

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Edward.Marlo.Ruiz's avatar

Man this just gets better and better. As soon as I was hoping Phi was more, here we are with a POV chapter. Love the change in tone and the wise narration we can feel through your writing. AND A GNOME?? Perfection. 🙌 Glad we can get another opinion and bring the world out a bit.

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Happy Nielsen's avatar

Glad you liked her! I have struggled with info dumping in the past so I’m glad to hear the world building and tone shift is working! Thank you!!

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Lady Of The Lake's avatar

Okay commenting this before I have even read it but I am SO happy to see Phi’s perspective!

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Lady Of The Lake's avatar

Well…

Now I am TRULY hooked. I need the next chapter, please. Quickly.

No immediate critiques for this one. The last three chapters briefly and impactfully introduced the characters, and now the plot truly begins. I see Gillian in a whole new light…

Like I said, chapter five please…

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Happy Nielsen's avatar

Thank you thank you!

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Devyn T Moore's avatar

What a great drop of lore, and you developed the tension and stakes seamlessly. Excited to keep reading.

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Happy Nielsen's avatar

Thank you!

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