WOW. The perspective switch fits so WELL. I loved seeing it from Jackās pov and Iām definitely speaking with their proper voices in my head. The characterization is effective and adds onto the worldbuilding of what youāve mingled here. As well as keeping his exposition short with descriptions instead of dialogue is the mark of very effective flow and innate worldbuilding. The little details of her paying attention ADDED SO MUCH.
Look at you! Loved the second chapter, happy we are getting both perspectives. I read this twice, one with the audio, and one without.
The audio was cool as heck, love the Irish vs English accent. If this is cannon, I might put some sort of note of this in either or both chapters (even if it isn't saying Irish per say, but some sort of indication).
I LOVE history, and I love it even more when there is magic involved, so I am anxiously awaiting the next part. Both of your characters are noticeably different, and you do a great job of making them distinguishable without losing the same tone from the first chapter (If that makes sense).
Your writing style is fluid and easy to read, I didn't really notice any choppy parts.
So yeah, not a lot of notes for this one, I am just a fan of it.
Wow thank you so much for not only reading it once, but twice! Youāre the best!
Yes, Jack is Irish! It becomes semi relevant later but I donāt know how to hint at it earlier without making it obvious that itās an important detail. Iāll think on it..
Iām glad to hear I was able to make his voice clear. I really do struggle with writing males and got some help from JE Vance on some of the lines lol
So while it may be stereo typical, saying something about a lilt or perhaps doing research on popular terms.
The order in which words are written/spoken can also help convey this. I don't know how familiar you are with different areas, but the accent wouldn't be the only thing that would give it away.
It is possible to do without playing "Come out ya black and tans." Though that is usually my go to.
I know a couple writers that write/spell the way a word would be pronounced (I sometimes do this as well). That can be a double-sided coin because you don't want to take away from the character.
That would be my best advice, especially if being Irish is important to the character (which being an Irishman in England, it very well might be lol).
I almost spilled my tea from laughing out loud at the black and tan comment lol. Thank you tho! I canāt believe I never even mentioned a lilt! Although, I feel like Gillian wouldnāt care enough to notice it lol. Sheās too distracted by Jackās dimple and freckles ;)
LOVE THIS!!! i was a little sad at first that we weren't getting another Gillian chapter because i loved the last one so much, but Jack's POV is perfection too??!! I love big ole nerds! Your writing is just so. Good!
Loved this! Jack is such an endearing character, and it was quite funny to see Gillian from his perspective.
Well written as well! Good pacing. You kept it short and lively, pulling back into Gillian nicely. I am excited to see where this goes! You obviously have done a bit of research, which I always love.
Hahahha love that your mom was offended (I would be too! Haha!). It warms my heart to hear that you kept up with it. And of course, your talent shows how much you love it!
I wanted to be a writer as a kid, but learned it wasnāt a feasible career while still in elementary school š„²
I too was told it would not be enough to support meā¦ and then I realized that just means that I get to write without the pressure of having to make money off of it! It brought back so much of the joy for me.
It was kind of an accident, actually! š³ I attempted to write a short story as part of a 2025 challenge to do random little things. I started the story, but quickly realized I didnāt have a middle or end in mind so it just turned into the first chapter of a much longer unknown story. I just kept writing and now Iām working on chapter 12 and writing is all I think about all day šµāš«
I need to hear your story now! Iām always so curious what drives people to the arts š
I started writing as a young child. I have always loved stories, and the moment I realized I could actually write my own, I did. I still remember my first ānovelā that I attempted to writeā¦ it was three pages of misspelled words that did not go together as ingeniously as I thought it did. And I killed off the mother, which offended my own š
But since then, I havenāt been able to stop! I love writing.
Iām here to become a better writer ā please give me any and all feedback you have on my story or writing. Thank you in advance! š
Do you have an index page? I don't remember what all I have read.
WOW. The perspective switch fits so WELL. I loved seeing it from Jackās pov and Iām definitely speaking with their proper voices in my head. The characterization is effective and adds onto the worldbuilding of what youāve mingled here. As well as keeping his exposition short with descriptions instead of dialogue is the mark of very effective flow and innate worldbuilding. The little details of her paying attention ADDED SO MUCH.
Thank you for your feedback!! I really struggled with POV in the beginning so Iām glad to hear itās working now!
Look at you! Loved the second chapter, happy we are getting both perspectives. I read this twice, one with the audio, and one without.
The audio was cool as heck, love the Irish vs English accent. If this is cannon, I might put some sort of note of this in either or both chapters (even if it isn't saying Irish per say, but some sort of indication).
I LOVE history, and I love it even more when there is magic involved, so I am anxiously awaiting the next part. Both of your characters are noticeably different, and you do a great job of making them distinguishable without losing the same tone from the first chapter (If that makes sense).
Your writing style is fluid and easy to read, I didn't really notice any choppy parts.
So yeah, not a lot of notes for this one, I am just a fan of it.
Wow thank you so much for not only reading it once, but twice! Youāre the best!
Yes, Jack is Irish! It becomes semi relevant later but I donāt know how to hint at it earlier without making it obvious that itās an important detail. Iāll think on it..
Iām glad to hear I was able to make his voice clear. I really do struggle with writing males and got some help from JE Vance on some of the lines lol
Thanks again for your comments!
So while it may be stereo typical, saying something about a lilt or perhaps doing research on popular terms.
The order in which words are written/spoken can also help convey this. I don't know how familiar you are with different areas, but the accent wouldn't be the only thing that would give it away.
It is possible to do without playing "Come out ya black and tans." Though that is usually my go to.
I know a couple writers that write/spell the way a word would be pronounced (I sometimes do this as well). That can be a double-sided coin because you don't want to take away from the character.
That would be my best advice, especially if being Irish is important to the character (which being an Irishman in England, it very well might be lol).
it is my pleasure to do so :)
I almost spilled my tea from laughing out loud at the black and tan comment lol. Thank you tho! I canāt believe I never even mentioned a lilt! Although, I feel like Gillian wouldnāt care enough to notice it lol. Sheās too distracted by Jackās dimple and freckles ;)
āHer brows knittedā¦ā dang Iām over her deleting all the āhe frownedās from my writing rather than saying cool stuff like this instead
Meanwhile I say brows knitted 9,345 times and need to change some of them to frowned š š
LOVE THIS!!! i was a little sad at first that we weren't getting another Gillian chapter because i loved the last one so much, but Jack's POV is perfection too??!! I love big ole nerds! Your writing is just so. Good!
ššthank you! Iām so glad youāre enjoying it. Always open to any constructive advice too!
there's just NOTHING i feel like could use improvement right now, honestly! everything's perfect already!!! šš
Brb while I print this out and frame it š„¹
šš„¹š
Aha! I know Iām hooked on this story because I lit up inside when I saw this was a Jack pov chapter lol
Thanks! Love that you are liking it!
Loved this! Jack is such an endearing character, and it was quite funny to see Gillian from his perspective.
Well written as well! Good pacing. You kept it short and lively, pulling back into Gillian nicely. I am excited to see where this goes! You obviously have done a bit of research, which I always love.
On to chapter three!
Thank you!! I appreciate you taking the time to read my little story š„¹
Of course.
I am very interested in this story, and Iām curious, what got you into writing?
Hahahha love that your mom was offended (I would be too! Haha!). It warms my heart to hear that you kept up with it. And of course, your talent shows how much you love it!
I wanted to be a writer as a kid, but learned it wasnāt a feasible career while still in elementary school š„²
I too was told it would not be enough to support meā¦ and then I realized that just means that I get to write without the pressure of having to make money off of it! It brought back so much of the joy for me.
It was kind of an accident, actually! š³ I attempted to write a short story as part of a 2025 challenge to do random little things. I started the story, but quickly realized I didnāt have a middle or end in mind so it just turned into the first chapter of a much longer unknown story. I just kept writing and now Iām working on chapter 12 and writing is all I think about all day šµāš«
I need to hear your story now! Iām always so curious what drives people to the arts š
I love that! Such a fun way to get into writing!
I started writing as a young child. I have always loved stories, and the moment I realized I could actually write my own, I did. I still remember my first ānovelā that I attempted to writeā¦ it was three pages of misspelled words that did not go together as ingeniously as I thought it did. And I killed off the mother, which offended my own š
But since then, I havenāt been able to stop! I love writing.
Loved this other perspective!
I am also. Your writing is perfectly, 'writing'. Great story so far.
I know for me, the more I read and write, the better I read and write-the better I speak, and think and view the world even.
Lovin this story.