As Anoushka said the title is amazing, a work of art.
I love the introspection you did here, for me that works wonderfully and also characterizes Gillian a ton, as well as lends credence to her falling for Jack -- it's like the dream she wanted to live, long ago, and here's another chance.
Tiny bit of critique, just my opinion. The shift in tone from cozy to dark is a tad unexpected, or at least it's a bit "oh dang here we go". The first 8 chapters all take place in the cafe (with a tiny trip to a library) and then we begin to zooooom through several set pieces. We also start seeing blood, pain, near-death, hear of child abuse, etc.
A possible fix (take with much salt) could be to add some kind of prologue that "tone sets". Game of Thrones did this with a prologue that indicated "hey guys, evil darkness and magic exists" but we don't see it again until book 2. If he had not had the prologue, the introduction of magic in book two would feel really strange.
I love the tone, and I feel like it works for the story, but some kind of hint to me before it happens would help, I think.
In any case, I loved reading this chapter and I cannot wait until the next one!!
That’s a great idea! I honestly didn’t set out to write a cozy fantasy but the more I wrote, the more I realized that’s what it was and tried to lean into it… but I still needed it all to lead up to some real conflict 😵💫
A prologue to set the tone might be just the thing. It’s been almost 15 years since I’ve read GoT 😳 Maybe it’s time for a reread..
“I need you to wake up and call me Gill and ask invasive questions about my childhood.” 😂😂 Gillian’s voice is so consistently perfect, I really love her. The pacing in this chapter was great and I love the evolving mystery.
I did feel like her emotional range was a touch stunted in this chapter. The biggest emotion we got from her was excitement when she discovered the meaning of the clues. I would expect a similar altitude of emotion when Jack falls and then has a cracked skull. I would expect almost panic level concern and for that to take a while to resolve.
NOOOO why do you always have to end on such mean cliffhangers?! 😭 I'm honestly so mad right now!!! But AGH we're in the most interesting parts of the story and I love it so much!! Although it IS taking a bit of a turn for the dark, and I love that!!! Also should have had Phi or Alban here for this 😭😭 Why do they never show up when you need them?
haha fair enough (since neither do i) but i think having cozy vibes + darkness in a blend makes it even better! plus you've balanced them out so well, i'm honestly loving it MORE than if it were just one or the other.
YAY!!! i cannot wait!!! will continue stalking substack until you publish it 💖
would also just like to reiterate that this story is perfect (AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR CHAPTER 14). also the play on "jack and jill" in the title is fabulous and makes everything even better <3
Haha I actually have to change the spelling in the narration so they’ll say it right. Everytime I do it, I panic thinking I’m saying it wrong myself and google how to pronounce it 😅
You’re literally my favorite author to come back to on Substack. I love this story so much, and it’s still such a light for me, even when you’re exploring “darker” themes, I can just put myself in your world and block out the darkness in my own life. Thank you for continuing to tell it, I’m dying for the next Jack chapter!!
I'll admit it's been a few years since I was back in the UK, but I'm pretty sure Bath is still West and London still East. Sure, it's hard to care when you're busy enjoying the story, but I thought I'd better point it out.
Hahahahahaha oh my gosh. You know, when I was writing it I actually switched them because I thought I wrote it wrong first. I was pretty happy I caught it 🤦♀️ Thank you very much for telling me!
Okay the title and introductory paragraphs are perfect. The play on Jack and Jill and the wonderful bits of Gillian’s absurdity makes this chapter complete.
I agree with Andrew about the prologue, and with Christine about the sudden progression. I would love to see a bit more leading up to each moment, as well as some diverse emotion, but this chapter was truly enjoyable.
As Anoushka said the title is amazing, a work of art.
I love the introspection you did here, for me that works wonderfully and also characterizes Gillian a ton, as well as lends credence to her falling for Jack -- it's like the dream she wanted to live, long ago, and here's another chance.
Tiny bit of critique, just my opinion. The shift in tone from cozy to dark is a tad unexpected, or at least it's a bit "oh dang here we go". The first 8 chapters all take place in the cafe (with a tiny trip to a library) and then we begin to zooooom through several set pieces. We also start seeing blood, pain, near-death, hear of child abuse, etc.
A possible fix (take with much salt) could be to add some kind of prologue that "tone sets". Game of Thrones did this with a prologue that indicated "hey guys, evil darkness and magic exists" but we don't see it again until book 2. If he had not had the prologue, the introduction of magic in book two would feel really strange.
I love the tone, and I feel like it works for the story, but some kind of hint to me before it happens would help, I think.
In any case, I loved reading this chapter and I cannot wait until the next one!!
That’s a great idea! I honestly didn’t set out to write a cozy fantasy but the more I wrote, the more I realized that’s what it was and tried to lean into it… but I still needed it all to lead up to some real conflict 😵💫
A prologue to set the tone might be just the thing. It’s been almost 15 years since I’ve read GoT 😳 Maybe it’s time for a reread..
Thanks as always for the feedback! 💚
I agree with this as well. A prologue would allow for the cozy and humorous aspect to exist while being cohesive with the darker aspects.
I have to say I agree with this AND I think it would be a great hook.
That being said it is a wonderful book, and I am so excited to keep reading (even if I am weeks late).
“I need you to wake up and call me Gill and ask invasive questions about my childhood.” 😂😂 Gillian’s voice is so consistently perfect, I really love her. The pacing in this chapter was great and I love the evolving mystery.
I did feel like her emotional range was a touch stunted in this chapter. The biggest emotion we got from her was excitement when she discovered the meaning of the clues. I would expect a similar altitude of emotion when Jack falls and then has a cracked skull. I would expect almost panic level concern and for that to take a while to resolve.
Ah your insight is always spot on. I have the emotional range of a teaspoon and it shows through in my characters 😅😅
I need to build up her panic for sure. Thank you!
I notice it because I’m working on it too. My characters always get over things way too quickly 🤦♀️
Hazen has never done anything wrong, ever! 😍
NOOOO why do you always have to end on such mean cliffhangers?! 😭 I'm honestly so mad right now!!! But AGH we're in the most interesting parts of the story and I love it so much!! Although it IS taking a bit of a turn for the dark, and I love that!!! Also should have had Phi or Alban here for this 😭😭 Why do they never show up when you need them?
I might not actually know what a cozy fantasy is 🫣😂
But I’m glad you’re still enjoying it! I’ll be frantically working on the next chapter just for you 😘
haha fair enough (since neither do i) but i think having cozy vibes + darkness in a blend makes it even better! plus you've balanced them out so well, i'm honestly loving it MORE than if it were just one or the other.
YAY!!! i cannot wait!!! will continue stalking substack until you publish it 💖
I’m so glad to hear that! Thank you for all of your support 🥹 it really encourages me to keep going 💚💚
would also just like to reiterate that this story is perfect (AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR CHAPTER 14). also the play on "jack and jill" in the title is fabulous and makes everything even better <3
Nice Pirates reference there, kid...
😎
“…but his heartbeat was steady and this breath even.”
- think you meant ‘…his breath…’
Thank you for catching that!!
One of my favorites so far. Didn’t realize there was narration. It’s pretty dope
Oh wow, thank you 🥹
And yeah, it’s still AI but better than the substack version imo and uses real humans who get paid for their voices
Ohhhh, no wonder it sounds a bit crispier. Also I was saying Gillian wrong this entire time 😅 unless— 👀
Haha I actually have to change the spelling in the narration so they’ll say it right. Everytime I do it, I panic thinking I’m saying it wrong myself and google how to pronounce it 😅
You’re literally my favorite author to come back to on Substack. I love this story so much, and it’s still such a light for me, even when you’re exploring “darker” themes, I can just put myself in your world and block out the darkness in my own life. Thank you for continuing to tell it, I’m dying for the next Jack chapter!!
This is the nicest thing ever!! I’m so happy to hear your are enjoying it 🥹🥹
I have unlocked a reading speed I did not know I was capable of. Oh my god, my heart.
I need a warning before something like this happens because I might as well get a heart attack at this point
Holy fuck, this chapter was so good! The tone shift in this one hit me like a freight train but I love it.
The way this starts out as sweet and cozy and suddenly just rips your heart out- absolute chef's kiss
Thank you! I’m glad you liked it!! You should have known I’d never kill Jack…. At least not in the first half of the book 😈😈
NOT IN THE WHAT?!
😌
I'll admit it's been a few years since I was back in the UK, but I'm pretty sure Bath is still West and London still East. Sure, it's hard to care when you're busy enjoying the story, but I thought I'd better point it out.
Hahahahahaha oh my gosh. You know, when I was writing it I actually switched them because I thought I wrote it wrong first. I was pretty happy I caught it 🤦♀️ Thank you very much for telling me!
These things are just too easily done!
Okay the title and introductory paragraphs are perfect. The play on Jack and Jill and the wonderful bits of Gillian’s absurdity makes this chapter complete.
I agree with Andrew about the prologue, and with Christine about the sudden progression. I would love to see a bit more leading up to each moment, as well as some diverse emotion, but this chapter was truly enjoyable.
Thank you! I will need to spend some time thinking of what to do for a prologue. Perhaps some vampire king atrocities 🤔