i screamed so hard when i opened substack and there was chapter 12 just STARING AT ME. like it was just STARING AT ME, after all the time i spent reloading your substack archive to see if it had dropped yet
it was so, SO worth the wait though!!! and it was so long and fabulous and PERFECT and i'm more obsessed than i was before, which doesn't even seem possible but it's true. you're a genius
also here's some screamy thoughts i had while reading that i can't post on notes because spoilers:
- WAIT SO THIS MEANS JACK'S HALF-WITCH???!!!
- gosh i'm sensing so much possibility for huge ole misunderstandings here!! i hope gillian's up by the time alice starts explaining the whole thing to jack
- "allergic reaction" i cannot stop laughing
- "mother hen" HAHAHAHAHAHA SHE'S SPOT-ON
this was EPIC!! like seriously, just SO DANG GOOD. i need the rest!!!
Incredible work as always, the characters are SUCH fun to read.
I think you've done an amazing job dropping hints and making the reveal meaningful. Since Jack could enter the cafe we knew something was up, for me it ties things together in a really nice way for him to be descended from the Kyteler line.
Now I eagerly await "I cast fireball" from Jack hahaha
“You’re a warlock, Jack”!! I squealed. I LOVE how this chapter leveled up the stakes. I wish we had gotten a little more insight into Alice before she was whisked away, it would help amplify the good tension you e built if we can worry for her more.
HOW DID I EXPECT A KISS AND GET HANDED A MAD SPIRAL
the way my eyes speed up! I absolutely god-fkn-hate Alice! How dare she, omfg. Talk about instant character hate (very well written character BUT HER GUTS)
I loved the pacing! The urgency was done so well, just like Jack's worry for Gill. I figured he's got some witch in him, LOVED having it revealed the way that it was
But WHY would you fkn stop?! I need to know they gonna make it back safe! Like, why the fuck do you do this to me, I'm an old fragile 34 year old!
for constructive feedback: when you revise for edits, space some scenes out a little, let some more tension pass to keep the reader on the toes, but honestly? I loved this so much!
Aside from that, a few feedback points. There are a few things misspelled here and there, so you might want to read it aloud to find the words that are incorrect.
I absolutely love the direction this is taking but I would enjoy a smoother transition between scenes when Gillian is out cold. Things happen a little fast.
And the last one is simply that I am impatient and do not like to wait. I still need that kiss-
Finally! We get to learn Jack’s secret that he didn’t know 😄. They’re even more star-crossed than it first seemed.
Audio notes: Alice's voice is really phoning it in. Like she has a 900-year-old Nokia with a weak connection 😂. (Lots of background noise and too quiet)
Notes: The pacing and action are great. A lot of information is dropped all at once and out of nowhere, though. Up until now, it’s been slow-burning, then BAM! Jack's history and Gillian's nature are revealed to him. However, Jack is too much in denial to realize Gillian's reveal. Some of it was hard to follow with the pace of the audio, but after reading it at my own pace, it made sense.
I don’t know where the story is going next, but I'm eager to find out.
I edited my comment above because I misinterpreted what I heard listening to the audio, and my comment made no sense. Upon reading the story, I realized that the story makes perfect sense in text form. I must have sounded like an idiot. Sorry for the confusion I caused if you read my comment before I edited it.
I went back to read the text to reconcile what I heard vs read to see if there was anything in particular I got confused about, in case it could prevent someone else from being confused. I didn't spot anything significant, just a word or two or cues I missed. It was hard to follow some of it because Alice's voice is so quiet.
I was a little confused about who was who at the end of the chapter. When listening to the audio, things felt faster-paced than reading it.
The cottage door bursts open "as if on cue" right after Alice mentions Gillian's vampire father. Then Alice says Jack must "ruin the Vampire King". So, I thought it was Gillian's father who burst open the door.
The text says "the black-clad man." The audio says "the man in black," which isn't much different, but I misheard it as "a man in black", making me think it was a different person than the one who burst the door open. I thought it was a second vampire there to cover the rear exit.
After reading and noticing that one word difference, "the" vs "a", it's now clear there was only one stranger on the scene. The person who burst the door open is the same person on the path. There was another clue. Alice says, "...before Vlad’s _men_ find us now". Because it's quiet, I missed "men".
Based on this initial confusion, I completely misinterpreted what I heard the rest of the chapter.
Since I was confused, I completely missed the crucial last piece. "The earth gave way beneath him," I thought, was a euphemism for Jack fainting, slipping, or something like that. I was also imagining a regular hill, even though it says "steep hillside" a few paragraphs before.
It's not until the next chapter that I realized that the ground actually did fall apart, and Jack fell a significant distance down a steep hill. I missed the significance of what happened. Though the first bit of the next chapter clears that up.
So, it was a great chapter. I'm just hard of hearing 😅.
I completely missed your first notification so I’m only seeing the edited one! But thank you, this is all great feedback!
I think I have a problem in general of doing big reveals and info dumping in chapters so I’ll be reading your comments carefully during revisions. I don’t want readers or listeners to be confused!
Ugh and yes, Alice’s voice is awful but I couldn’t find anyone else close to the mature female Irish/British accent I needed
i screamed so hard when i opened substack and there was chapter 12 just STARING AT ME. like it was just STARING AT ME, after all the time i spent reloading your substack archive to see if it had dropped yet
it was so, SO worth the wait though!!! and it was so long and fabulous and PERFECT and i'm more obsessed than i was before, which doesn't even seem possible but it's true. you're a genius
also here's some screamy thoughts i had while reading that i can't post on notes because spoilers:
- WAIT SO THIS MEANS JACK'S HALF-WITCH???!!!
- gosh i'm sensing so much possibility for huge ole misunderstandings here!! i hope gillian's up by the time alice starts explaining the whole thing to jack
- "allergic reaction" i cannot stop laughing
- "mother hen" HAHAHAHAHAHA SHE'S SPOT-ON
this was EPIC!! like seriously, just SO DANG GOOD. i need the rest!!!
I love reading your real time commentary!!!
It’s just a genetic trait that all of Gillian’s relatives are allergic to silver 🤭🤭🤭
I’m so glad you liked it!! I’ll start writing the next one now just for you 😘
How did I miss this!?
For one:
“You’re a warlock, Jack.”
“I’m a what?”
I died. That was beautiful. I love where the story is going.
In terms of feedback, I do feel like this chapter covered a lot of ground. Once Gillian wakes up, I felt rushed as a reader.
I love their relationship, and how it is growing! You are doing a fantastic job of making it feel realistic and human.
Heheh I’m glad you noticed that. 90% of this book is just me manufacturing scenes so I can drop in quotes 😂😂😂
Thanks for the feedback! I will try to pace out the scenes better in the second draft 💚
And it is WORKING. So keep doing it lol.
Of course!
Incredible work as always, the characters are SUCH fun to read.
I think you've done an amazing job dropping hints and making the reveal meaningful. Since Jack could enter the cafe we knew something was up, for me it ties things together in a really nice way for him to be descended from the Kyteler line.
Now I eagerly await "I cast fireball" from Jack hahaha
Thank you! I’m glad it didn’t disappoint you 🥺
Jack for sure is going to immediately start casting all sorts of magic spells hahahha
This is so good. And so clever, loving going up the hill, the pail of water and then him tumbling down on top of the enthralling story.
The whole book has been built around that scene so I’m glad it landed well 😂
Thanks for reading and for the feedback! 💚
I love that! Cannot wait for more.
The joy on my face when I realized chapter 12 was out is unmatched😭
It was SO GOOD! You set up everything so well in the earlier chapters for the big reveal. And Jack being so gentle w Gill tickled my heart😫
I NEED chapter 13… now.
Thank you so much!!
I’m working on it!
“You’re a warlock Jack”
OH SHITTTTTT SHE OUTRIGHT SAID IT
Oh wow, it really really gets going in this chapter. New fave, this is super fucking dope
🥹 I didn’t get a notification for this but thank you so much 💚💚
Squee! I love this chapter! 😁😁
Yay! Thank you! 💚
“You’re a warlock, Jack”!! I squealed. I LOVE how this chapter leveled up the stakes. I wish we had gotten a little more insight into Alice before she was whisked away, it would help amplify the good tension you e built if we can worry for her more.
Ooo that’s great feedback, thank you!
MAM EXCUSE YOU, WHERE'S THE KISS
HOW DID I EXPECT A KISS AND GET HANDED A MAD SPIRAL
the way my eyes speed up! I absolutely god-fkn-hate Alice! How dare she, omfg. Talk about instant character hate (very well written character BUT HER GUTS)
I loved the pacing! The urgency was done so well, just like Jack's worry for Gill. I figured he's got some witch in him, LOVED having it revealed the way that it was
But WHY would you fkn stop?! I need to know they gonna make it back safe! Like, why the fuck do you do this to me, I'm an old fragile 34 year old!
for constructive feedback: when you revise for edits, space some scenes out a little, let some more tension pass to keep the reader on the toes, but honestly? I loved this so much!
I feel so honored that you carved some time into your Sunday reading day for me 🥺
I’m sorry to say but their kissing time is over. It’s just too complicated now that he’s a witch 😞
And thank you for the feedback!! I am already dreading draft 2 but it will be easier with all the notes you’ve given me 🥰
You’re breaking my heart 😭 but I love that, continue 😂
This was a good one. No other feedback today. Oh, except, thank you!
Thank you for reading! 💚
Um. Okay. I need the next chapter now. Like, now.
I’ll just give you a spoiler. Jack dies and Gillian drinks all his blood and becomes the new vampire queen 😌
Hmm how about NO.
Aside from that, a few feedback points. There are a few things misspelled here and there, so you might want to read it aloud to find the words that are incorrect.
I absolutely love the direction this is taking but I would enjoy a smoother transition between scenes when Gillian is out cold. Things happen a little fast.
And the last one is simply that I am impatient and do not like to wait. I still need that kiss-
Thank you! Your feedback is always helpful!
Finally! We get to learn Jack’s secret that he didn’t know 😄. They’re even more star-crossed than it first seemed.
Audio notes: Alice's voice is really phoning it in. Like she has a 900-year-old Nokia with a weak connection 😂. (Lots of background noise and too quiet)
Notes: The pacing and action are great. A lot of information is dropped all at once and out of nowhere, though. Up until now, it’s been slow-burning, then BAM! Jack's history and Gillian's nature are revealed to him. However, Jack is too much in denial to realize Gillian's reveal. Some of it was hard to follow with the pace of the audio, but after reading it at my own pace, it made sense.
I don’t know where the story is going next, but I'm eager to find out.
I edited my comment above because I misinterpreted what I heard listening to the audio, and my comment made no sense. Upon reading the story, I realized that the story makes perfect sense in text form. I must have sounded like an idiot. Sorry for the confusion I caused if you read my comment before I edited it.
I went back to read the text to reconcile what I heard vs read to see if there was anything in particular I got confused about, in case it could prevent someone else from being confused. I didn't spot anything significant, just a word or two or cues I missed. It was hard to follow some of it because Alice's voice is so quiet.
I was a little confused about who was who at the end of the chapter. When listening to the audio, things felt faster-paced than reading it.
The cottage door bursts open "as if on cue" right after Alice mentions Gillian's vampire father. Then Alice says Jack must "ruin the Vampire King". So, I thought it was Gillian's father who burst open the door.
The text says "the black-clad man." The audio says "the man in black," which isn't much different, but I misheard it as "a man in black", making me think it was a different person than the one who burst the door open. I thought it was a second vampire there to cover the rear exit.
After reading and noticing that one word difference, "the" vs "a", it's now clear there was only one stranger on the scene. The person who burst the door open is the same person on the path. There was another clue. Alice says, "...before Vlad’s _men_ find us now". Because it's quiet, I missed "men".
Based on this initial confusion, I completely misinterpreted what I heard the rest of the chapter.
Since I was confused, I completely missed the crucial last piece. "The earth gave way beneath him," I thought, was a euphemism for Jack fainting, slipping, or something like that. I was also imagining a regular hill, even though it says "steep hillside" a few paragraphs before.
It's not until the next chapter that I realized that the ground actually did fall apart, and Jack fell a significant distance down a steep hill. I missed the significance of what happened. Though the first bit of the next chapter clears that up.
So, it was a great chapter. I'm just hard of hearing 😅.
I completely missed your first notification so I’m only seeing the edited one! But thank you, this is all great feedback!
I think I have a problem in general of doing big reveals and info dumping in chapters so I’ll be reading your comments carefully during revisions. I don’t want readers or listeners to be confused!
Ugh and yes, Alice’s voice is awful but I couldn’t find anyone else close to the mature female Irish/British accent I needed
Jan (author of TSA) does the info dumps a lot too. So many reveals in one chapter until I say “whoa whoa, slow it down a bit” 😁.
When writing, we’re all pacing ourselves, but we’re just trying to get to the big scenes we’ve been obsessing about, so we just blurt it all out 😂.